by Ulrich Mees

What thoughts, feelings and actions characterise love? What is the difference between love and infatuation? Do we expect more or different "proof of love" from our partner than we are prepared to show ourselves? And finally: What circumstances lead to "falling out of love"? These are questions about human love that have been empirically analysed. Another article deals with a child of love, jealousy ("Jealousy - a child of love").

Anyone who has experienced love will probably agree with the assertion that this feeling is the most beautiful and most important that people can experience. However, anyone who wants to take a scientific look at the subject of "love" must quickly realise that the supply of undisputed opinions on love that are shared by everyone seems to be exhausted. Even the question of whether love can and should be scientifically analysed at all is controversially answered.

Two popular "myths" in particular cast doubt on the possibility or value of scientific research into love: the first myth states that the task of defining and explaining the phenomenon of human love is insoluble in principle. People have been trying for thousands of years, but to this day nobody can say exactly what love is. Love is something mysterious, an unfathomable secret.

The second myth goes even further than the first and claims that even if we could solve the riddle of love, we shouldn't do it: Love, as a mystery, should please remain so! In the 1970s, then US Senator William Proxmire issued a press release in which he justified the cancellation of funding for a research project on love as follows: "I believe that 200 million Americans share my view that certain things in life should remain mysterious, and at the top of the list of those things we don't want to know is why two people fall in love!"

The claim that nobody knows what love is (as the first myth says) is not true in this form. We know much more than we can explicitly say, otherwise we would never be able to recognise when we love another person and when this love might end. But of course we still know far too little explicitly about love. However, this realisation should give rise to in-depth research and not resignation.

The second myth is probably based on the fear that love might be trivialised by a scientific definition or explanation, which could lead to a "demystification" of love, possibly even to a weakening of the experience of love. However, this must be countered by the fact that love is too important for human well-being and the flourishing of intimate social relationships to be ignored scientifically: For example, the vast majority of all married people state that love was their main reason for marriage; on the other hand, well over 30% of all marriages currently fail in Western industrialised societies. Erich Fromm formulated the problem in his classic "The Art of Loving" as follows: "There is hardly any endeavour that is begun with such tremendous hopes and expectations and that fails with such regularity as love. If this were the case in any other field, you would do everything you could to find out the reasons for the failure and find out how you could do it better - or you would give up. Since the latter is impossible in the case of love, there seems to be only one right way to avoid failure: To find out the causes of that failure and also to examine what love actually means."

The empirical studies reported here are intended to help clarify this question: "What do we mean when we talk about love - or more precisely, love for a partner?" (For reasons of readability, the term "partner" is not used every time, even though all conceivable partner constellations in 'romantic' love relationships are of course always meant).

In a first step, a set of 30 characteristics was identified for which there are theoretically justified indications (which cannot be explained in more detail here for reasons of space) that they could be central determinants of love for a partner. Here are some examples of these characteristics (which describe certain thoughts, feelings or actions): People who love their partners think about them frequently, long for them when they are apart for long periods of time, respect or appreciate them, are affectionate towards them, have complete trust in them and enjoy being with them or feel comfortable in their presence (etc.).

The next step was to empirically test whether these characteristics also vary in intensity with different intense love experiences (as theoretically assumed). To this end, the respondents (students at the University of Oldenburg) were given a questionnaire with these 30 characteristics and asked to assess how much they applied or still apply: Once for their greatest love to date, and secondly for a mere love affair that they themselves had ended.

The mean values of the ratings of all 30 characteristics were significantly higher for the assessment of "greatest love to date" than for the "love affair"; this result shows that these attributes are significant indicators of the intensity of love. Of course, the concept of partner love is not exhaustively described with these 30 characteristics, but they are probably the most important determinants of love.

In a further study, it was now examined whether there is a difference between "love" and "being in love". The 30 characteristics already mentioned were presented with the question of whether each of these characteristics is an "indispensable" part of love or being in love. According to the results of this study, "love" and "being in love" have certain things in common: Both feelings are characterised by the indispensable features of "strong affection for the partner", "joy at being with them" and "tenderness".

At the same time, however, serious differences can be identified: "being in love" is essentially characterised by the feeling of "physical sensations" (i.e. the famous "butterflies in the stomach", palpitations, trembling knees, etc.) in the presence of the loved one. However, this characteristic is only slightly pronounced in "love". Furthermore, people in love very often think about the person they have fallen in love with and feel a strong longing for them. In contrast, a person in love has no "trust" in the person they love, is not "open and honest" with them and does not want to take "responsibility" for them. However, it is precisely these characteristics that are central components of love. In addition, it is also characterised by the indispensable features: Appreciation of the partner, sadness when the love ends, shared joy, very good understanding, a close bond and acceptance of weaknesses.

If the informants are now asked directly about the differences between "love" and "being in love", the solution to the puzzle emerges: "being in love" is not categorised as less intense than "love", but is an earlier phase in the relationship history of two people, which either turns into "love" after a while or ends. Being "in love" is therefore the first stage in the history of a relationship, in which you can feel the strongest physical sensations, constantly have to think about the person you love and long for them, but at the same time cannot yet trust them, cannot be open and honest with them (on the contrary: you tend to hide your own weaknesses), and for whom you do not yet want to take responsibility, precisely because you do not yet know the other person well enough. The question of what determines whether the transition from the stage of infatuation to that of love is successful or not requires further investigation. Incidentally, around 15 % of the informants stated that both are true for them: they love their partner and are still in love with them.

In a further study, the question was examined as to whether or not the profile of one's own love for the partner and the love profile expected by the partner differ from one another: Do people possibly expect more or different love indicators from their partner than they themselves are prepared to show? To this end, the participants in the study were first asked with what intensity the above 30 characteristics (which describe certain thoughts, feelings and behaviours) occur when they love another person. They were then asked to answer the question about the intensity with which they expect the same thoughts, feelings and behaviours from their partner when he or she really loves them.

The results show that the two love profiles are broadly similar. However, there were notable exceptions: Compared to their own love, more love indices are expected from their partner: The partner should have "more trust" in you than you have in them; they should "understand you better" than you understand them; they should be "more open and honest" than you are; they should "be more faithful" and "desire" you more than vice versa; and they should love you "more exclusively" and "longer" than you are willing to do so towards them.

Obviously, you expect more proof of love from your partner than you are prepared to show yourself. How can this "favourable asymmetry" in expectations of one's own love compared to the love of one's partner be explained? This result probably has something to do with the fact that the interviewees fear that they could be emotionally hurt by one-sided love. They therefore want to be as sure as possible that their partner will really love them back. "Ideally", they expect more and more obvious proof of love from their partner, as proof, so to speak, that they can love them without running the risk of their own love remaining unrequited or one-sided. However, this cautious position can be interpreted by the partner as a sign of less love, possibly even as a sign of "selfishness". This could harbour a not inconsiderable initial potential for conflict in love relationships: Each of the two partners initially demands more clear evidence of love from the other than they themselves are prepared to show. According to the results of this study, this applies equally to women and men.

Partner-related reasons for "falling out of love" Finally, the study investigated the circumstances that lead to the weakening or end of one's own love for a partner. Why people fall in love with (or love) a particular partner is controversial. There are various scientific explanations for the beginning of love for a particular partner. Here, we were interested in the opposite phenomenon, namely the reasons for "falling out of love" which, according to the respondents, originate from the partner. To this end, the survey participants were asked to indicate how much their love for their partner would be weakened if the individual "love indicators" were no longer present. For example, they were asked: To what extent would your love for your partner diminish if you realised that your partner was no longer affectionate towards you? etc. According to the results of this study, love for one's partner, once it is present, is on the whole quite a robust phenomenon: a lot has to happen before one's love diminishes significantly! There are certain characteristics that seem to be particularly important: If you realise that your partner is no longer happy to be with you, if he no longer appreciates and respects you, if he is no longer open and honest with you, if you have the impression that you are no longer important to him, if he still loves other people or if he no longer takes responsibility for you. These are the "essentials" of partner love, so to speak. The realisation that your partner no longer loves you is thus gained on the basis of certain decisive indicators; and this realisation is an essential condition for the end of your own love for your partner. Obviously, you can only love your partner in the long term if they reciprocate this love. The "unhappy lover" (in the sense of Goethe's Werther, for example) may be a popular, perhaps even noble character in novels who arouses our sympathy, but in the reality of our lives we would not want to swap places with him!

The author
Prof. Dr Ulrich Mees, (53), psychologist at the Institute for the Study of Human-Environment Relations in Faculty 5, was appointed to Oldenburg in 1978. After studying psychology in Saarbrücken and Tübingen and completing his doctorate in Tübingen, he worked as an assistant professor at the Free University of Berlin, where he qualified as a professor in 1978. His research focus: Emotional and motivational psychology. Together with Prof Dr Uwe Laucken, he heads the research group "Emotion and Communication".